Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Shocking poll results reveals women are not attracted to men with a comb-over, moustache, and a speedo

Almost half U.S. women do not mind if a man is losing his hair, but 99 percent are against comb-overs, a new survey has found.

Forty-eight percent of the women in the online poll for Cargo magazine say men shouldn't even worry about hair loss, while 32 recommend going with the flow and cutting all hair off. But only 1 percent suggest hiding a balding head under a cap or a comb-over.

Fifty-eight percent of the women say men look sexiest in jeans and a t-shirt, but they hate men in anything too trendy: 92 percent hated leather pants, 91 percent hated chest-hair-baring shirts and 76 percent hated pleats in pants.

About 40 percent preferred a clean-shaven man, while 31 percent prefer a man with a five o'clock shadow. Only 1 percent favored a mustache.

For summer, more than half of the woman prefer to see a man in nothing skimpier than bathing trunks and 58 percent say they'd rather not see men wearing sandals.

So, what do women want?

C3PO, anyone?

Wow cool I want one. Its like a robot home butler. It runs on Linux! I think they are only like, $14,000... my birthday is just around the corner, hint hint! Read the article- its so Jetsons !!

Other cool new tech news- anyone who thought Google Earth was cool will totally dig this: Google Moon. Be sure to try to zoom in all the way...
I knew it!

WAIT this is even cooler! "The car James Bond would love"
...All 4 wheels raise when in the water turning the car into a real boat that can achieve speedboat functionality and powerful enough to tow a water skier. The Transition from land to water is achieved very easily in a few seconds by the push of a button...

Weird things that happened to me recently:

  • Flagged down while walking on the sidewalk by a parking attendant pointing to his lot and motioning 'two dollars' with his fingers. I was like, 'We're walking dude, what the hell!'
  • Had a conversation about how people count sheep to help them fall asleep, and got called out on the fact that I can't do it, because I spend the whole time thinking 'should I imagine cartoon sheep, or realistic sheep? should they be jumping over a fence, like on tv? where do they go after they jump over the fence, do they just disappear?' etc. etc.
    GET OUT OF MY BRAIN! my neuroses are supposed to be a secret!
  • Made a nipple clamp say, 'yeeeah, snoop dog is in the hizzy' on the way back from lunch in a Chris Tucker voice.
  • Said this twice to my chit-chatting supervisor, 'you should leave now so I can get my work done'

I would give anything for a massage right now :(

"The round, white, plastic containers I
had to sort into would never hold it all...'"

Monday, August 29, 2005

weird dream someone told me about.

"Oh the pressure!"

The pickle dream
"They throw them reaaaly hard!"

Today on the way back from lunch:

S: Oh no, you hit a bug, look
V: Would you like to say a few words?
S: I think I'll write a haiku:

Splat! Bug hits windshield
Leaving behind his entrails
He was just too slow

tell me your dream, i'll draw a 2 minute sketch of it too!

summer is over

Welp today was the first day of school, 2nd grade for Jake and SEVENTH GRADE for Cody. SEVENTH GRADE, holy crap. I am so proud of them and I love them so much that I am bursting with it. They are so good and so sweet and sensitive and intelligent and I don't know what I'd do without them, they keep me grounded. I know if I never had them I would be drifting, shiftless and aimless and unable to find meaning in the mundane struggles of every day life. I feel for you Ariella, because you are my alternate future, I mean not exactly but I know if I only had myself to think about, I would feel much of that same inability to focus and lack of motivation to join the rat race. Thats exactly how I felt back in the day, and a big part of what got me into all of the trouble I got myself into in the first place. So, anyway, as much as people think its a mistake to have a kid when you are 17 and as much of a struggle as it has made my life, I am thankful every day that it happened. Crazy as that sounds!

Some things I learned this weekend:

  • I have pretty good hand-eye coordination! I hit almost every ball at batting practice!
  • P-Diddy, who just changed his name to simply 'Diddy', is an awful entertainer
  • MC hammer can still dance
  • Beavis and Butthead still make me laugh ("hey baybuh")
  • BBQ's with football are fun! specially when your b/f scores the first touchdown

This is weird, my b/f's stepbrother's wife Casey went to elementary, middle, & high school with me, she's only one year older then me, and we totally don't know eachother. weird. I dig her though, she seems like a nice chick, down to earth.

Maker Of Program For Spying On Lovers Indicted - Read this article. I know someone who would buy this in a second

What would you do if you knew you could get away with it?

Thursday, August 25, 2005

finally got rid of my sticker....

After getting some sushi last night with Ar & Jacob while the kids were in karate (they just put Jake in the older kid class with Cody. Its so cute because he is the smallest youngest kid in there- also he's all proud and excited) we suddenly got motivated to start removing some of the many stickers that my car was wearing when i bought it (like 8 parking passes, Texas emissions testing cerification stickers, and worst of all, a bland and uninspired liberal bumpersticker that said, "Military Solutions are Problems")
Here is a photo of our progress! much better don't you think?

(NOTE: No my licence plate doesn't actually say 'SPLEEN' I only wish it did. When they told me I could either just renew my tags for $15 or get new tags for $150 plus $50 for personalized plates, I realized that I am in fact way too cheap to do it, even though I really reaaaally wanted it!)

so what who else cares

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

drive-by spamming

Today in the Safeway parking lot while examining some dents in a coworker's car, we had a drive-by spamming. A car driving by slowed down to ask, "you want me to fix any of that body work?" "CiAlis, please your woman" "Greetings you have won the international lotto" "viAGra madOnna has some" "buy cheap ROlex watch"

Everyone seems to have had babies recently (except me, yay!!). My friend Melynda just popped out her third girl (Leah), V's step brother just had his first baby boy (Blaze), and here is another email I got about a recent birth:
this is a pic of Faith's friend Lucia's new baby...I will remind you,
Alexandra is a GIRL, not an old Italian man named Al who runs a



New Band of the Week: Black Rebel Motorcycle Club
have a listen- song 9 especially

Saturday, August 20, 2005

Surrealism ala 7 yr old

Ok, some background info probably required, although it won't make anyone understand it any better!

This is a conversation overheard in the condo we stayed at in Ocean City last week between V and my 7 yr old son:

Jake: "Did you ever have a dream that you are in Hawaii with a bunch of beautiful girls in bikinis?
....And they're all throwing pickles at you?"
V: "I was with you about being in Hawaii with beautiful girls in bikinis, but after that you lost me."
Jake: "Well, you don't want the pickles. They throw them reeeeaaaally hard."

Ok so I really don't think that helps it make any more sense, i just overheard it and couldn't stop laughing at the bizarreness and randomness of it!

Try this, its pretty cool. Type in your favorite band or whatever, it will give you suggestions about what else you might want to check out. Plus its pretty cool programming, probably based on some sort of alogarithm: http://www.musicplasma.com/

Monday, August 15, 2005

work hell

today at work our internet was down all day. ALL DAY. i can't imagine being trapped in a worse hell. I actually ended up chatting with coworkers about how their daughter is in band camp, and one just adopted a german shephard, and one's dogs that died, and another has hypoglycemia, and won't I come to a Mary Kay Make-up party? ... and... it was awful. I felt so trapped. I am truly an internet junkie. Sign me up for the methadone program.

is this one of the plagues?

Friday, August 12, 2005

ode to redneck america

don't try to watch this if there is any chance you have epilepsy.
the theme here seems to be dead critters, slutty chicks, missing teef, and mullets.

Butterfly masochism

I hate spring mix. Well perhaps hate is too strong a word. I hate-minus-ten spring mix. Today at the Safeway salad bar, there was no baby spinach so I *had* to go with the spring mix. Its not awful, but ... its not good either! There are wierd things in there that taste bitter or like cilantro or something. I realize that everyone else loves spring mix and maybe I am risking public stoning by admitting this (like when I told everyone that I hated Meet the Parents!!) but I ... I can't change who I am just to maintain the love and adoration of my peers. I just can't. So there you have it. baby spinach beats spring mix in a closed cage death match hands down any day. how does it feel to be beaten by babies!

so, yesterday V took me out to a romantic dinner at a really nice Indian restaurant called the Ambassador Dining Room for our anniversary. Black-tie clad waiters, tea-light candles in tiny glowing red sconces, English Tudor-style flagstone patio, the elegance of white tablecloths mingled with the old-world charm of the wicker chairs, a lovely outdoor setting overlooking lush gardens and a bubbly fountain-- I loved the ambiance. You could almost imagine the Taj Mahal in the distance. After complimenting the waiter on the saag, he went back to the kitchen and brought us an extra side of it. Everything we asked the waiter for, he said (imagine Indian accent): "You vant eet? I veel get eet for you." All in all a very nice anniversary and a great time. I also realized that if all types of food were obliterated from the face of the earth but one, I would pray that the one remaining was Indian.

After going to this website, I still don't feel rich :-(

It is endlessly disturbing to me to constantly watch butterflies fling themselves against the window in my office with an audible 'bang' . Its like, 'oooh, pretty butterfly!! .... oh, that had to hurt!'

Speaking of 'that had to hurt', click here and then click the link at the top to view the video. ouch.

Thursday, August 11, 2005


This guy is wierder then me, believe it or not. His site makes me realize that I need a camera that records sound, too.

I am sad today because I had an epiphany: you don't belong in the adult working world when hearing the phrase 'Flagship publication' causes you to want to talk like a pirate.
And then you do. Because you just can't help it.
In front of your supervisor and coworker.

"aaaarrrrrrr, its our flagship publication"

"swab the poop deck!"

This is a fun game for me because the woman looks a little like my supervisor. I just wish she had more clothes on. *shudder*
you can drag and throw her...but its much more satisfying to just watch her fall. Shwagon, I recommend using this to vent your frustrations, rather then the other ideas you were brainstorming earlier today, such as the purchase of heavy artillery.

Funniest Quote of the day:
"Wow, what a great idea. I have so many ideas.
...wait... that was your idea..." ~Kevin

Funniest Email of the day:

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

barfing is allowed

Today its been one year since my first date thingie with Victor. Our first 'date' was an outdoor concert at the Pagoda in Patterson Park, and eating Indian food while watching Mad Max Beyond the Thunderdome on TV and making fun of it. Not even sure if that was supposed to be a date or just hanging out! But, for time documenting purposes, we'll call it the first date. That was last year today. Crazy. So, Kevin is just finding my note in his Dorito bag that says, 'Its too early for spicy nacho doritos. Close the bag!'
when the receptionist buzzes me and says I have a visitor.

Its Victor with flowers! Yay! We weren't going to see each other until tomorrow night when we planned on going to go to dinner to celebrate, but today is the actual day so it was super special that he hand delivered a bouquet of beautiful flowers to tell me happy anniversary. I've never gotten flowers from anyone delivered to my office before! Sort of goes with the theme from highschool when on valentines day or a girls birthday, there were always some cheerleader types who had balloons and flowers and teddybears on their chair but never me... I guess the leather-jacket-wearing, cutting-school-to-get-high-in-the-tunnel-to-the-mall, smoker-section, James Dean derelict rebel types that I used to hang out with back then with weren't much into those sort of displays of affection!

Anyway my supervisor tried to take the flowers when I was at lunch! What a lunatic! loon A tick! I am all happy and braggy, I hope no one barfs from reading this but if you do I don't care. Just clean it up. Or swallow it, if you're fast enough.

Link of the day: Girls don't like it when you stare at their chest

Tuesday, August 09, 2005


Sorry, your browser doesn't support the embedding of multimedia.

if you can't see the video, download it.
(although I don't know why you'd want to!)

Monday, August 08, 2005

"Mawwaige. Mawwaige is what bwings us togevah today. Mawwaige... that bwessed awwaingement. That dweam wivin a dweam......"

If you haven't been there in a while, check out the latest on 'Steve, Don't Eat It!' about making jailhouse hootch.

This weekend I attended the thirtieth birthday of a girl I went to highschool with (we'll just call her 'Man-hater' to protect her identity). During the party, she announced that for her birthday present from her husband, she wanted him to sleep in the spare bedroom.

How rough is that.

apparently all night they were drunk and taking digs at each other-- all with laughs and smiles but clearly displaying their dysfunctional marriage to the world.

Well, at least they're honest about it! Most of the world is dysfunctional behind closed doors, but seem perfect in public so that everyone else has to feel bad and like they are the only ones in the world with problems. So, here is the question I pose, although it may have no true answer, or be a bit too esoteric:
Marriage: Is it worth it?
Marriage: Is there such thing as a good one (after the first 5 years?)
(Depressing) Marriage Quotes:
  • Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering. (Anonymous)
  • Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed. (Albert Einstein)
  • After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. (Hemant Joshi)
  • A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. (Zsa Zsa Gabor)
  • Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. (Oscar Wilde)
  • Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house. (Lewis Grizzard)
  • If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married. (Katherine Hepburn)
  • I'm not a witch, I'm your wife! (Valerie to Miracle Max, The Princess Bride)

Officer, is there anything I can do to get out of this ticket? ;-)

Posing in front of future real estate purchase

the band that played at the party (sucked balls)

Fireworks at the party

African-themed stuff at the party

Hotel courtyard and view at night

Getting ready to go to the locally famous Taco Loco


Hotel courtyard during the day

Best restaurant in Tijuana

View of Laguna Beach

El Mariachi dude

This is my house, but I only live there during the winter. Want to visit?

Wednesday, August 03, 2005


well you know how my vacation started: crappy weather delay, missed my connection, had to stay the night in Denver, etc. I finally arrived in San Diego and V's hotel which was the bomb, a king size bed facing a sliding glass door with billowing, translucent white curtains and a balcony overlooking a courtyard with a pool, and the mountains of San Diego in the surrounding distance, dotted with red-roofed adobe houses. The weather was perfect, so you could sleep with the door open, the bed facing the view outside, the cool (and bugless) night breeze whispering you to sleep.

The first day we went downtown to the Gaslamp District for lunch. Everywhere you look are beautifully decorated restaurants of all types to choose from- Persian, Chinese, Italian, French, Indian.... We had some spectacular Thai and also a phenomenal Indian buffet at a restaurant called Monsoon, starring delectable vegetable korma, saag, paneer tikka masala, garlic naan, and finished with a mango mousse garnished with a strawberry slice, fresh mango slices, and a dollop of mango pulp. Heavenly. We chatted with some guys from Saskachewan Canada, embarrassed that we didn't know where that was although they knew exactly where Baltimore was! So sad. They were nice but very stereotypical Canadian, ending every sentence with 'ey?' It was very comical. If you've ever seen Disney's "Brother Bear", imagine the two mooses (meese? moosai?) and that's exactly how these two sounded!

Anyway enough about food. We then went to a party that was hosted by Jane Goodall (who ISN'T from Gorillas in the Mist, that was Diane Fossey, and oh yeah, she's dead!). It was the most impressive party I've ever been to. Free buffet (although mostly south African beef curry and stuff I couldn't eat, but had enough veggie sidedishes for me to not go hungry) and free desert buffet of watermelon (they sprinkle it with paprika and hot pepper...spicy!), chocolate cake things with whip cream and chocolate shavings, these coconut cubes, oh no I'm talking about food again! There was a band playing African music (the theme of the party was Heart of Africa) and African dancers; creepy guys on stilts with frightening African masks, and straw hanging off of their bodies; lights strung in the trees, but not in the organized, neatly wrapped Christmas tree kind of way, more loose and elegantly draped (the party took place outside in a park by the waterfront). They were giving away African cloths to wear, snap bracelets that looked like cheetah and zebra fur, binoculars, hats with animals on them, etc. and then, just after we procured a couple of free bottles of wine, fireworks over the water! It was awesome. This may not be worth mentioning, but the portajohns were immaculate and smelled like a Bath and Bodyworks store. Incredible! And, for the "I embarrass myself" part of the night:

The hostess of the party has dedicated her life to helping great apes and chimpanzees, in case anyone doesn't know. Well, the guy we were hanging out with really wanted a collection of all of the free animal hats, so far he only had the elephant, and had gone off on a mission to try to find a monkey hat. So, I'm in line at the buffet, and I see him reappear on the other end of the table, looking slightly crestfallen. Meanwhile V is chatting with some other buffet eaters about what's on the menu, and I blurt out, "What, no monkey?!" Of course they all thought I was making a crack about monkey being served at the buffet, and groaned while looking at me with disgust mingled with mirth. I was laughing so hard I couldn't even explain that I was talking to the other guy about finding a monkey hat! d'OH

Anyway, the next day we went to Tijuana. It was awful. The land of 3 tacos for $1, cheap trinkets, and high pressure sales tactics. Basically you are constantly harassed while walking down the street by store owners who would quote a price at $16, but let you haggle them down to $4, restaurant owners vying for your business, dirty children selling chicklets or simply silently asking for handouts, and blank-faced guitar serenaders. At first I was excited to see Mariachi bands loafing about, until I realized they were everywhere. We saw ho's too, that was weird. Eventually we had fun anyway and found a great restaurant recommended by locals, and then had a bunch of margaritas (two for one). We were actually leaving Tijuana for about 3 hours. Every time we saw what we thought was the last open bar, we'd sit down to have one last margarita. That happened like three times, haha. At the last bar of the night, there was rap music playing and three rotund and antic Mexicans put on a show for us, dancing to the music, slapping their own asses, rubbing their nipples and bellies... I thought I was going to burst my spleen laughing! I hope I can post the video we took of them!

Anyway I'll summarize the rest since this is getting long! We rented a car and went to Laguna Beach for the last 2 days of the trip. V only paid $13.50 per day for the car! It was supposed to have XM radio and didn't, so they gave him the super economy 'geo metro with no power steering' price, even though it was the next level up car. So cheap! Anyway we stayed at this uber expensive hotel for like, $250 a night!! It was nice but not THAT nice! Actually it was really cute and right by the beach. It was reminiscent of Melrose place: the rooms were around a courtyard with a pool, great huge prehistoric-looking plants and Mediterranean style red stones on the ground. It happened to be the Laguna Beach art festival while we were there, and one night on the way to dinner we wandered into this art exhibit opening with snacks being served, a guitar player, and all of these shi-shi pretentious people dressed up and feeling superior. We weren't sure if it was invitation only but we were both dressed up and looking hot so what the hell, we walked right in. We then realized why we shouldn't try to hang with that crowd. Keep in mind that, since it was an art opening, the artist was almost certainly present!:

Me: this art is hideous. wow, 3,700?
V: ...Pecos?!
Both of us: hahaha.
V: that guitar player looks just like Jackson Brown, I think it is Jackson Brown. Here, have a strawberry with whip cream.
Me: mmmmmm. free strawberries...
*guitar player bumps into V*
V: Oh, sorry Jackson Brown...
ROFL! I guess you had to be there.

ANYWAY, the beach was so pretty, with the mountains in the distance and the curve of the shoreline, the sun sparkling off the aquamarine water... the water was frigid, but exhilarating. And I saw dolphins!! really close to the shore, right in front of where we were sitting, they were frolicking and jumping out of the water! So much cooler to see in their natural habitat then at the aquarium, trapped in a small pool. We ate some great Mexican there too, Taco Loco (earth crunchy hippies, tofu taco salad!) and Javiers (plastic fake people, bleach blondes with boob jobs and fake tans, thier boyfriends wearing ripped up jeans and bri-ish accents, a guy who looked just like a caricature of a 'Hollywood producer' telling a story a little too loudly and laughing at his own story a little too boisterously.) Well, we were in Laguna Beach after all!

Then it was over. What a great trip, thanks V!

So sad to be back in my real life ... !

I look so happy in this picture!
I am represen'in' - check out the
Orioles hat!

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

What its like going to work after a week of vacation...