Friday, February 22, 2008

the worst part of being a mother is...

the worst noise to wake up to at 2 am (after already waking up at 1 am to your co2/smoke detector repeating the mantra 'BLING! Batteries are low..........BLING!! Batteries are low....' and realizing the only way this is going to end is if you haul yourself out of your warm bed into the darkness and find a ladder? chair? balance yourself precariously on it on the landing above a treacherous set of stairs and risk your life) -- is this noise, instantly recognizable even in a hazy groggy 2am fog:

"Mooooom...." **SPLAT!**
"Mooommmmm........" **SPLATTER!**

I promise you this sound bodes only something dreadful.

When I wasn't a single mother, the one task I refused adamantly to take on was cleaning up vomit. I just couldn't take it. The smell, the sound, the look of it, worse then any diaper, worse then any dirty dish or any toilet that needed to be cleaned... I just didn't have the fortitude to deal with it. Well, becoming a single mother gives you the fortitude to deal with all kinds of things you never imagined. For example, I am terrified of spiders. But you wouldn't know it if you came to visit my house- I am the queen of the Spider Capture-and-release Program. And, in fact, though it is probably second on my "worst things" list (immediately below number one: actually vomiting myself), I am actually capable of cleaning vomit off of the floor at 2 am without vomiting myself! Although it does take sheer willpower not to just cover the putrid reeking mess with a towel and pray it somehow dissapears! Although it took an entire roll of paper towels, two manic handwashing episodes, and 5 retreats to gasp frantically for fresh air!

And the best part of being a mother?
"I'm so, so sorry about waking you up at 2 in the morning!"
"Thats ok, I'm sorry you had to throw up."
"Don't be sorry, its not your fault! I'll try not to wake you up again unless I have to."

wow. if only i could be that selfless when i feel like crap. its an amazing feeling actually being able to look up to your own kids.

last weekend V and I spent the weekend bonding over matching barf trashcans. I was the first to feel sick. I was thinking, "I'd rather be dead then feel like this." V said one of the sweetest things ever,
"If I could take your illness away and be sick instead of you I would."

My response?
"Really? wow I was thinking, if I could give this illness to 10 other people in trade for instantly feeling better, I would."

just being honest here! I am a bad person!

Thursday, February 07, 2008

Britain is Repossessing the U.S.A.

A Message from John Cleese
To: The citizens of the United States of America
In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).
Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
  1. You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
  2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
  3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.
  4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
  5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
  6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
  7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. Holden Monaro's are also approved.
  8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
  9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
  10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
  11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
  12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
  13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.
  14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
  15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
  16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
  17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.

God save the Queen.
Only He can.

John Cleese