Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Humor for Lexophiles

  • I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
  • Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
  • Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
  • To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
  • The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
  • A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
  • When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
  • The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
  • The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
  • The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
  • A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
  • A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
  • A will is a dead giveaway.
  • A backward poet writes inverse.
  • A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
  • With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
  • A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in linoleum blownapart.
  • He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
  • A calendar's days are numbered.
  • A boiled egg is hard to beat.
  • If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine .
  • When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
  • Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
  • Acupuncture: a jab well done.

Monday, October 15, 2007

marathons: WTF?

Ok is it just me or does a marathon seem like a totally unfathomable phenomenon?

I can understand jogging or running in order to stay fit, to de-stress, lose weight, etc. but in no physical fitness guide does it ever say that 26 miles is a neccessary distance to acheive those goals. To me, it seems that marathons border on sado-masochism. Why oh why would anyone want to put themselves through that?Its certainly not *fun*. Is it just to see if they can? Why don't they set their arm on fire to see if they can stand it for over 3 minutes? How about eating maggots? Just to say, "I can do it!" Is there a difference?

Consider this: Every year people DIE as a result of running a marathon. Just last week someone DIED during the Army 10. My friend saw him carted off! His last concious moment was something like this: 'Feeling faint! Must carry on! feet are bleeding! Miserable torture! Can't catch breath! Must....go...on....' then you're dead. And this is voluntary!

Ok, the *majority* of runners aren't dying. But it happens! And, out of the *survivors,* many are hospitalized! Out of those not dead or hospitalized, there are various other levels of torture and bodily harm occurring, including oozing blisters, heat rash, cramps, pulls, and BLEEDING NIPPLES! Yes, you heard me right, bleeding nipples are COMMON in marathons due to the constant rubbing, for 26 miles of torture, of your abrasive shirt against your tender, tender nipples. OH PLEASE SIGN ME UP!

The name marathon comes from the legend of Pheidippides, a Greek soldier, who was sent from the town of Marathon to Athens to announce that the Persians had been defeated in the Battle of Marathon. It is said that he ran the entire distance without stopping and burst into the senate with the words "Masters! Victory is ours!" before collapsing and dying due to exhaustion. And after that, someone said, 'That was so cool! Lets all try to see how far we can run until our nipples bleed and we drop dead. That will be great fun!'



Attn all nerds: Night Rider is real!

Driverless Car
First came a car that could parallel park by itself. Now comes a vehicle that University of Central Florida students said can do the rest of the driving, too.

This is the future- though it may be scary if the car malfunctions and you are unable to take over- or if it turns evil like Christine...

Monday, October 08, 2007

Way cuter then carrot top

In response to being begged to post a new entry so no one has to look at carrot top anymore when checking for a new entry, here is a new entry!

The only reason it took me so long to post is when no one leaves comments, I think no one is reading!

This weekend I went camping up in PA with V, B-Funk, Shannon, and dogs. The only photo I took was this one of Kona & Doobie, and it was in the car on the way! Stupid. Anyway V traded in the Beamer for an Isuzu Rodeo which is so awesome! you can put so much stuff in there, and the dogs had plent of room in the back, and it made camping effortless. My car seems so small and useless! Anyway, the weather was outstanding, we were right by a tennis court so we played a little bit, grilled up some veggie masala burgers with this *awesome* Curried Mango Grille Sauce , seasoned roasted onions and mushrooms, grilled asparagus, roasted garlic, & some brocolli-- yum, and campfire cooking is fun!

Gross things: 'camping' in an RV with sattelite TV and traveling via golf cart instead of on foot, being cranky and fighting after not getting enough sleep, Michelobe Light

Awesome things: standing in a field looking up at the stars while spinning dizzily around in circles in the cool night air, falling asleep and waking up beneath a canopy of trees and the open sky, blueberry muffins with fresh fruit and a doubleshot espresso for breakfast at a picnic table on a crisp fall morning

Thursday, October 04, 2007

the grossest of grossness

Carrot Top goes buff.

This is the most disturbing photo I have seen in a long time.


my favorite comments I have read about this photo include:

"His face looks like somebody put plastic wrap over it and he forgot to take it off before he used a hair dryer. I think he's a crab person."

"aghhh! what the f**k is wrong with carrot top's face in that photo???? he looks like he's free-falling from a very tall building"



Your comments?

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

In music news...

I heard recently the craziest thing so I had to verify it, and it is in fact true.

Robert Plant (led Zeppelin) and Alison Krauss have partnered and produced an album (Raising Sand). I know what you're thinking... Robert Plant is still alive?

Anyway, haven't listened to the whole album but some of it is a little too country-ish for me. Still, not bad, and worth a listen. There are some nice harmonies in 'Please Read the Letter' if you want to just check out one song.

Also, Radiohead, in generous Google fashion, has decided to make their new album 'In Rainbows' available on their site for digital download for HOWEVER MUCH YOU WANT TO PAY FOR IT!
"If the new method works then more artists could be encouraged to give up on record labels and go on their own."
What do you think about that?

I, of course, am getting an advanced copy from my Radiohead fan-buddy Eric :)
But am thinking about going on the site and giving some money anyway.

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

NY NY photo montage

Photo comments (in approximate order)

  • Cool architecture

  • Sunset on the water

  • Halawi Korean restaurant Manahattan

  • Metal tree sculpture in the park

  • Bike's not going anywhere sculpture in a store

  • Pigs window shopping at chelsea boutique

  • Jeep crash window display in a store

  • Retro bubble chair hanging in restaurant doorway

  • Fattest dauchund I've ever seen!!

  • the famous Gotham comedy club- hilarious

  • Terrifying demon with mophair

  • Dumplings !

  • International parade in Jackson Heights

  • Breakdancing

  • Best damn coffee I've ever had in my entire freaking life

  • Part of the menu from the All Peanut Butter Sandwiches Restaurant