Saturday, March 29, 2008

Don't go back to ... Arbutus

So, the other day, the only convenient time the movie we wanted to see was playing was at a theatre we had never heard of in Arbutus. Curious to find out more about this unknown mystery theatre, we quickly agreed to meet there and GPS'd* our way over. Parking was awesome - free road parking immediately across the street from the theatre. Once inside we started to hedge... It looked old and small and crappy like some small town theatre on that show with Johnboy in it. If you payed for your snacks with a credit card, the lady had to walk over to the ticket lady to have her process it in the ticket booth. There was NO THEATRE SEATING, and since it was two rows of seats with an isle down the middle, impossible to sit centered on the screen. The sound was so muffled that I couldn't understand the dialogue until we moved right under the speaker! It was the SUCK.

So then we asked the locals where a good place to eat was and they mentioned a nearby restaurant. So, we headed over there passing-- let me just preface this whole section by saying that there are no lies or exaggerations in this story! -- a beat up orange pickup truck with this logo lovingly hand-painted on it: "Cletus's Hauling"



So, we get to the restaurant and order our food, grilled cheese with tomato for me since the veg selection was almost non-existent, and, how can you mess that up? (Little did I know... yes, this is foreshadowing). The (very nice) lady serving us had a MASSIVE mole on her face with a mass of hair growing out of it SO LONG that it actually was CURLY. So, realizing I am gawking, I violently jerk my head sideways to look at something else. "Oh no," I think, frantically, "Is it obvious I am trying not to look at the hideous twin sister she probably absorbed in the womb that is now trying to resurface and force her way into life out of the side of this poor woman's face??"

I look quickly look back at her in an effort to cover my intial reaction so as not to insult her- but again, my eyes are drawn to the hideous unthinkable area. I swear it was JUST like that scene in Austin Powers. MOLEY MOLEY MOLEY MOLEY MOLEY MOLEYYYY....

Anyway for 20 min we wait in this depressing time warp of a place waiting for our food.

The music is like, some 80s saxophone by like, the sax player from Tina Turners band. The people all look dated and depressed, every one of them either severely underweight or overweight. On our way to our seats we walk by a man sitting alone eating what looks like microwave spaghetti still in the round black microwavable plastic dish, those gross too-thick spaghetti noodles with some congealed sauce and a few fat meatballs he is listlessly pushing around with his fork. The lighting are those yellowed florescents that give the restaurant that quaint "isle 9 of Walmart" ambiance.

Finally my grilled cheese arrives- the bread dry, the cheese barely melted, the tomatoes uncooked. How can you spend 20 minutes preparing a grilled cheese sandwich and forget to actually cook it?? I scarf it down quickly in an effort to get out of there as quickly as possible.

In summary, Arbutus = THUMBS DOWN!

* Yes, it is a verb.