Its not crazy....
Its not crazy...feeling uncomfortable with your boyfriend hanging out with his ex-girlfriend, is it?I mean, I'm not trying to say I'M NOT CRAZY, because generally speaking I probably am...but thats not crazy is it?
I remember when my brother told me that his girlfriend told him he wasn't allowed to talk to his ex-girlfriend anymore. Period. They were still friends, although he lived in NY and she lived in Michigan, so it was mostly emails and the occasional phone call, I guess. Although I was thinking to myself not to jump to judge her, and after thinking it through I understood her motives and could see her perspective, my initial reaction was, 'wow thats so controlling. She can't tell you who you can hang out with and who you can't'.
I felt much more comfortable with this friendship when she lived hours away and maybe called once in a while to catch up. (Well, not MUCH more comfortable, but, somewhat more comfortable!) That's way less threatening then her moving back into the same town, 10 minutes down the road, when she obviously isn't in a great relationship currently if she is moving 2 hours away from her boyfriend, and is DEFINITELY going to want to hang out with my boyfriend, perhaps confide in him, etc.
I feel like I should apologize for being psycho and untrusting, but its not him I don't trust, its the situation. Its the potential. He may have innocent motives, but does that mean she does? And, even those with the most innocent of motives can have clouded judgement after a few drinks, or after an argument with their girlfriend.
The worst part of bringing up my fears is the potential to drive the friendship to the down-low: secret happy-hour meetings or dinners with the justification that 'its innocent' and to 'spare my feelings' or something. Argh, I wish she would just go away! Even though she's not even here yet...
Is that psycho girl issues and insecurity, or realism and logic??
...both?
posted by Evil Genius @ 4:28 PM
10 comments
10 Comments:
Boy, this one is a doozy. I could write on this topic for days, and that's just from personal experience.
The logical side of the argument is that if you really trust your boyfriend, you have nothing to worry about.
The realism side of things is that people with the best of intentions and strongest of resolve get pulled into inappropriate behavior they later regret when temptation overcomes reason. Then, since these kinds of relationships are so emotionally charged, the relationship afterwards is just never the same. That doesn't mean it's bad or worse, but it's not the same. I'm sure that while a lapse in your boyfriend's resolve to remain wholly committed might be forgivable, that'd be the last of reading your words praising him so highly. (As an aside, those are words that hit me with a little envy, as I wish somebody would speak of me that way.) So realistically, he's better off choosing not to set himself up for a potential failure.
Of course, it's his choice how he wants to spend his time. You should not be trying to control that because ultimately you can't. What you can and should control is what you will do with your time. If you don't want to be around someone who's spending time with an ex-girlfriend, then don't. Tell your boyfriend why that is, but let him decide if he's okay with that. There's no need to be mad at him if he makes a choice that's not the one you would like him to make, because you should respect his decisions as you would like him to respect yours. As I've said before, act instead of react. Be the actor, not the prop.
So that's the snapshot of my interpretation of logical and realistic, what about "psychogirl issues and insecurity"? It only fits that if you let the actions of others determine how you see yourself. You're talented, young, beautiful, and articulate. Why would you feel insecure? What the ex-girlfriend chooses to do and what your boyfriend chooses to do don't change any of that. It's not insecurity to clearly articulate your preferences to your boyfriend. He has a right to know that because you've established some level of commitment to him. Beyond that, you're only exhibiting insecurity if you try to establish control or force behavior counter to those others would choose for themselves.
Finally, in the interests of full disclosure, realize my wife and I have been separated for over a year now, living on opposite sides of the country, and have agreed to divorce (although neither have done much of anything about it beyond agreement so far.) I think my situation has come from realizing the stuff I wrote above, but you may instead take it that I just have no idea what I'm talking about. As they say, advice is worth what you pay for it.
what good can come out of an your boyfriend/girlfriend hanging out with thier ex... and is the blow doll an ex as well.
and my good i mean i've never heard a story that ended well that began my boyfriend was hanging out with his ex.
well i've hung out with my ex-gf before and not had any probs. tho one time i did wonder wat it would be like to kiss her again or be with her again. it stayed at thoughts, but IF there was the opportunity for a hook up, would i have? i dunno. unfortunately, in another situation, when i was with M and A came around talkin about his undying love and other bullshit, i chose the wrong path. and im not a bad person (naughty maybe ;) hhaha) but i made a really dumb choice and messed up the trust i had with M and maybe fucked up something really good with M.
but uhm, yeah. thats my drama. tho that doesnt mean someone else will get caught up in the same thing. i dunno. talk to him and see wat happens...
in summary. or uhm not. LOL... i agree with what folks have said. darktortoise nailed it pretty good i think.
Well Monica ^ doesn't have a COCK and even she couldn't keep it in her pants.
On the other hand, give Vince some serious ANAL, that way he won't have a reason to stray (premptive you're welcome for Vince).
On the tail, are you that serious? Is he? If so it shouldn't be a problem, if not then so what? It's better to end it early and move on, right?
Look. Talk to him. Some guys will be understanding and just not hang out with her. These are the kinds of guys who would want the same of you. If their relationship is that important to him, then don't force him, he will just resent you. Just trust him. Yeah, sure, anything can happen, but if you love him you need to have faith. That's what relationships are ultimately all about.
I've always been ok with my gfs hanging with their exes. I trusted completely. Perhaps it's not deserved, but if you don't have trust, what do you have?
hey. the one boyfriend i never cheated on (aka the love of my life) decided to go bff with his ex again when i went home to get my breat tumor removed, then broke up with me (even though he swore nothing was going on with her) and then later had sex with her about a gizillion times. Its okay though, cuz now she has cervical cancer. Haha. True story.
<3
drew
Drew,
that sucks, but some would say 'karma's a bitch'
seriously though, that is a sad story but at least he had the respect to break up with you before sleeping with his ex a million times.
that said, it sounded like that guy was a douche-bag anyway. not able to make the time to spend with you before you went in for a stressful and scary surgery? Who needs a guy like that!
don't hate mohammed just cuz i wont use my big ol naughty toyz on you! :-p
altho... now that you have that pimp-ass car... hmmmm....
Someone who has cheated should not complain when she gets cuckolded.
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